The Truth Behind My Title

BY MICHELLE TENZYK

For many years, I have been thinking about high-achieving professionals and the increasingly difficult paths we have forged for ourselves by “leaning in” — sometimes a bit too far — and the seeming lack of open, honest support structures.

Having my own personal struggles with an often-stigmatized illness over 20 years of my career – and never feeling safe about speaking up about it — got me thinking that there had to be a way to create a conversation. A discussion, especially for senior executives, to find hope by hearing other stories of adversity while holding prestigious and coveted titles and positions. I wanted to pull back the curtain of shame and embarrassment that some of us feel around these struggles; I wanted to make it okay. I wanted others to not feel as alone as I did when I was suffering the worst of my illness and there was no one coming forward for me to relate to.

How do you keep climbing the proverbial ladder when something so dark and difficult seems to shroud every step?

I was Tiffany & Co.’s Global Director of Training and Development when I was hospitalized for crippling depression. The real truth was a suicide attempt forced an involuntary commitment to a psych ward. This was followed by a longer term stay in a psych facility. It was the beginning of a 25-year period through which depression has been the undercurrent of my corporate and business life.

As a high-achieving, and subsequently high-ranking corporate executive, being able to talk about my illness openly and freely was fraught with challenges — so I chose to keep it private. I only shared it on a need-to-know basis.

“Mental illness has no boundaries — no one is immune.”

At the lowest points of my illness, it feels like walking with a 2000-pound bag wrapped around me. The heaviness is hard to describe. There is no joy, utter fatigue, memory issues, no appetite, no enthusiasm, crying easily, and wrestling with suicidal ideation almost daily. I am not able to make any personal plans or commitments — I usually can’t show up for anything (except, interestingly enough, my jobs). I lose interest in most everything and can sit for hours at a time staring into space. I lose incredible amounts of weight.

At work, I need to be deliberate. I stay focused on one task at a time. I deal with comments that I’m not friendly or open. I keep to myself and hide in my office. I take rigorous notes so that I don’t lose track.

Being high achieving has saved me, as I somehow pull off the miraculous and manage to get by in my jobs. I have taken long leaves of absence, sometimes up to a year, to cope with the stress and unending heaviness of depression.

Living with that much darkness and that kind of pain, and feeling trapped alone with it, while still having to perform as a high-level executive created enormous pressure. I have lived with this for years and it has become “me.”

I know how my brain works. It feels like living two separate lives at the same time. I used to call them the “bad Michelle” and the “work Michelle.” And now, after years of working with my doctors, they have become the “bad Michelle” and the “good Michelle.”

What I mean by that is – the Michelle that wants to live and the Michelle that doesn’t. The Michelle that wants to live has strengthened. She hasn’t won, but she is stronger. I ask for help from people who can help me. I don’t keep secrets as often.

Over the years, when I would interview for particular positions, I often felt like a fraud. There were gaps in my employment or questionable departures, but I was good at talking through them. Meanwhile, I knew the true story, the truth behind my title.

This is why I founded The Truth Behind Our TitlesⓇ  It’s my vision to build a collective of stories — stories marked by strength, hope, and resilience — whilst finding relief in conversation.

I hope we can shatter the belief that in order to be professionally successful, we need to hide or disguise our inner struggles and difficulties. I truly believe it is quite the opposite… our greatest challenges are often the key, and the door, to our greatest successes.

I realize that not everyone will relate or identify with my story. However, what I do know is many of us struggle with obstacles that seem insurmountable in our lives and professions. My hope is to help others feel safe enough to talk openly about what these are, without the fear of retribution many of us feel today. It may be lofty, but why not dream big?

And what about my life today? I am being treated successfully for my illness and I am educated about my symptoms. I lead a full and vibrant life. My last serious bout was in 2006 – this is the first time I have gone this long without being hospitalized. I could pinch myself! I do have periods of depression, and last year was one of those. Today, I know much better how to manage through these more comfortably. And, I don’t have to hurt myself.

I run my own company. I work with senior leaders, CEOs, and business owners regularly. I love what I do. I have been married for 7 years to my amazing husband, Joe. We are good, solid, and loving. My company’s tagline is “when people thrive, business thrives.” I came up with it because I know when I thrive, I can help others thrive. And I am thriving.

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As CEO of East Tenth Group, Michelle Tenzyk leverages her 25 years in business to bring insight, perspective, and experience to all aspects of leadership and people strategy. Michelle received her MBA in HR Management and Systems from the University of Albany and earned her Executive Coaching Certificate at iCoach NY, part of the Zicklin School of Business. She holds a Certificate in Entrepreneurship and is a prominent alumna of the College of St. Rose, where Michelle earned her B.S. in Music Education (Piano). She is a Board Director for dancker and a Core Guide for Chief. Michelle founded The Truth Behind Our Titles ~ Strength, Resilience and Hope for the Professional Journey. A movement dedicated to bringing down the walls of shame around otherwise stigmatized challenges. She believes that by telling our stories one at a time, we can impact individuals and organizations to be more understanding and tolerant of our diverse workforces.