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I turned 60 years old this past February. This was a glorious milestone for me as I continue to understand and address the memories of what are often called adverse childhood experiences or ACEs. For so long I blocked these memories because the hurt, harm, and shame that came from them seemed too raw to handle.
I am also confronted with the pain that my parents didn’t live to reach 60 as they died by suicide in 1997. I had to bury my parents within two weeks of each other that November, and then do my best to go on with my life. Had it not been for my children, I might have lost my life as well.
Because of this tragedy, I often shut down in November. When I began to recognize this pattern, I would let my children, Faith, Jonathan, and Jonathan’s partner Rasha, know and ask for their prayers. Fortunately, they’ve always been compassionate and respectful while providing comfort and strength. Letting them know about my pain became a significant part of my healing journey. For my birthday in February 2020, I shared that I was going to shift from grieving my beloved parents to celebrating their legacy. I wanted my children to have positive memories of their amazing grandparents. I thought about my parents’ lives and all that they were able to achieve. I compared it to mine and all that I’ve been able to achieve. Interestingly, as I continued to write about them, I realized that the negative emotional and psychological weights of my adverse childhood experiences were decreasing.
Shifting from focusing solely on grief to celebrating the lives of my parents prepared me for a huge surprise in November 2020. During our virtual family activity that month, we had agreed that our theme would be sharing good news. After Faith and I did our part, Jonathan and Rasha’s turn arrived and they set up the screen. They shared the image of an ultrasound, but I couldn’t make it out at first. In disbelief I asked, “What is this?” while holding my breath. Jonathan stated matter of factly, “This is your first grandchild, Ma.” I let go of my breath and burst into tears. I felt suspended in time, in a moment of pure bliss, knowing that I would finally be a grandmother. I remembered what wonderful grandparents my parents had been to my children – attentive, doting, and fun to be around. This is important to me because they left a template I could use to be a successful grandmother.
As a first-time grandmother, I am amazed by Zae, my grandson. It has been so long since I became a mother, and you see the world differently when you’re around an infant. They change every single day. I researched infant development to find out what people have learned in the 40 years since my children were born. I understand more about how to interact with him in ways that will help us build and strengthen our relationship. I’m amazed by how much we’ll be able to do together.
Before he was born, I envisioned playing with my grandson, having plenty of energy to enjoy life with him whether it be reading a book, playing an instrument, or gardening. I realized that the memories I want to make with him are part of creating a legacy of love that’s tangible, that’s accessible in the present. I realized that I would be able to minimize the impact of my grief and instead maximize the results gained from my journey to heal.
I decided to call my solar return in 2022 My Year of 60. As I focus on health, happiness, and well-being, I’m reminded to think like a grandmother. Dealing with COVID delayed travel plans and my ability to witness my precious grandson’s birth and much of his first year of life. The platforms became increasingly important, and I decided to create a video series called Family Time with Zae and Grandma J. This way he would know my face and voice. We even play peek-a-boo during our virtual family activities. It’s so much fun to see his face light up with surprise and hear his laughter.
As I prepare to travel across the Pacific Ocean to visit Jonathan and Rasha in Australia, and across the U.S. to visit Faith, I take comfort in knowing that my parents would be so happy and proud of our family. I will meet Zae for the first time as we check out restaurants, museums, and art galleries. I’m sure we’ll play peek-a-boo.
Sometimes, we need a wakeup call, and fortunately, mine came in the form of incredibly good news. When my grandson was born, I experienced even more positive energy, and I feel good knowing that a new generation is being created. I remembered my parents’ legacy of hope and faith and how they persevered to love with all their hearts. My grandson Zae is a living memory of all they did to live a full life. My year of 60 is off to a wonderful start as I commemorate my beloved parents’ lives.
Joanna Grace Farmer is the Founder and Director of Building Community Capacity, LLC. Joanna lives with bipolar disorder with psychosis and after some time, support, and learning to put herself first, she is able to minimize the impact of her grief and maximize the results gained from her journey to heal. She recognizes her journey as one of not only healing, but as a guiding story of ways to help others suffering from trauma. Today, Joanna describes her life as being full of faith, hope, and love.
10 responses to “My Year of 60”
Joanna, Rasha passed on this blog which I have just finished reading. I was touched as well as inspired by the story of your journey. Your palpable anguish and trauma due to the premature loss of your parents will stay with you, buried deep inside. But life is about departures and arrivals. Your unconditional love for your newborn grandson Zae has enabled you to frame the triumphs and tragedies of life through the lens of love. The cycle of life is an amazingly mesmerising experience for those who are fortunate to get caught up in it. We can bathe our sorrows in the bowl of pleasure that comes with grandkids. As a grandfather, I know exactly where you are coming from. Rejoice and be happy.
This is so well written and truly reflective of Joanna’s truth. I trust and believe that her sharing will encourage others to begin their healing process.
As one of the people who have known you for all of those 60 years I can only say that it has been a pleasure to have seen so much of that growth. I have seen the connection you have with family and appreciate how you have weathered the storms. I have never had any doubt in you rising above your challenges and am so full of the pride as one of your uncles to see so many of your successes in life. Enjoy being a grandparent and know that you have many family members on your side and continue to pray for your continued success. Stay safe and stay blessed.
Beautiful writing and sharing, Joanna. Thx for putting yourself out there. Indeed, your heartfelt storytelling will console others. Your story of self-care and transformation will inspire. Excited about your upcoming travels — to see family. “Think like a grandmother.” I will remember that!
My dear Sister Joanna, you are a truth teller and a amazing woman. Thank you for sharing so much of your personal life with me and listening to my many stories. You have helped me more than you will ever know.
You have an amazing family and support system. I see how your face lights up when you speak about Zae. I am honored to know you personally. Keep being the light. Ase’
I am so very grateful for my support team. Your words of affirmation and affection help me understand that I must keep moving forward with sharing mystory and being part of others’ healing journey. Many thanks, Uncle Thomas, Auntie Linda, Brother Musfiq, Sister Kathryn, and Sister Nadine. You are awesome!
My dear Joanna,
Sorry for taking so long to comment. It is such a beautiful piece. I read it when I got up to eat( Sheri) for fasting. It was just before dawn . As the sun was rising I was praying that just as sun brings light to the day may everyone’s love for you brings light to your life. You are brave to share your life with us. I feel fortunate that I was able read it. You have two beautiful children. Now Rasha and Zahere too. You have faced your bad times bravely. Now enjoy your good times. Parents leave us but they leave their love and good memories. Looking forward to seeing you soon. Lots of love. Your biayin.
My dearest Razina, my Biayin,
No worries about being delayed. I am grateful for your kind and generous words. I am grateful for your insight and wisdom. Having the love of family is an incredible blessing and while my parents are physically gone, they live on a spiritual plane and watch over us all, especially our children and grandchildren. Being able to make good memories with our grown folks is an amazing way to let them know that we treasure and honor their enduring legacy of faith, hope, and love.
Now I understand where you’re coming from, your journey so far it’s a touching one and very encouraging to others facing the same trauma you went through to have faith that with God all things are possible. Even in all the pains of your parents early exit, you was able to stand so strong and raise your children and zae, your grandson is now here as a thing of Joy to you as an encourager you are, mother, motivator, adviser, hope to the hopeless and a peace maker…..You are a wonderful person, specially made by God. Peace and love.
Many thanks for your kind and thoughtful words, Brother Jas. I am grateful that our paths crossed so we keep encouraging others that they matter, that God is watching over them, and that all will be well.