BY SARA VELTKAMP
When I was first introduced to The Stability Network, one of the statistics then-Executive Director Katherine Switz presented was that 68% of Americans do not want someone with a mental health condition marrying into their family. This stat demonstrated the stigma that those with mental health conditions endure. It stuck with me, and three years later, I still think of how this stigma would make the dating experience even more difficult for those with a mental health condition.
Stigma is labeled as such because it’s often based on unfounded beliefs about something people fear or do not understand. Mental health stigma is no different. I feel like if more people got to know the positives that come from working to manage a mental health condition, their answer to the question of whether they’d date someone who was in that group would be the same as mine: yes, absolutely.
There are many challenges that cause heartache, pain, and separation in relationships—poor communication, lack of empathy, unprocessed trauma, not understanding one’s own needs, and lack of self-reflection and awareness among them. Most of us would benefit from coaching on any of these. Let’s take identifying and communicating physical and emotional needs as an example, because it’s something I’m working on.
In western society, we tend to value the things that make us more productive, skilled, and “worthwhile” from a capitalistic standpoint. We underrate the things that make us feel more fulfilled and deemphasize the need for activities that help us build stronger relationships.
For people with a mental health condition, the stakes for not recognizing their needs and being able to ask for support can be higher than for a neurotypical person. As a result, many have deep experience doing this difficult work. It becomes part of how they operate. An example: I was at one of The Stability Network’s national convenings in San Francisco and jumped in line for the bathroom. As I often do, I’d waited too long to meet this most basic of human needs and was paying for it. I turned to the person behind me with a “lines, amiright?” commiseration. Her response was something like, “I’ve learned to listen to what my body is telling me, and I no longer wait to give or deny what it needs.” Simple, brilliant, and incredibly uncommon wisdom.
Effective management of a mental health condition includes self-awareness and the ability to self-reflect—both of which are incredibly important when building relationships with others. Just like identifying needs and communication, this is another skill that’s strengthened in practice. One of the most effective ways to practice self-reflection is with a therapist, and many people who manage mental health conditions have been engaged in therapeutic relationships (provided they are able to access care, which is not a given).
Many of us can remember a time when our partner’s behaviors triggered a negative emotional response due to our past experiences. Therapy can help us identify these triggers and support us to work with them, which becomes an invaluable strength in a relationship. So folks who have employed therapy as a management strategy for their mental health? Yeah. Huge. And to be clear: this blog is referring to people with a mental health condition who’ve put time and effort into managing it. Not everyone does, just as people without a mental health condition often don’t do the work required to build critical relationship skills.
Finally, if you’re reading this as a person who is managing a mental health condition and thinking, “My relationships are challenging, and I fail all the time. You don’t know what you’re talking about, Sara,” well, you have a point. Relationships are complicated for everyone. But in my experience, those who have learned how to manage the ins and outs of a mental health condition are better equipped than most to navigate challenges in relationships. Those of us out there looking for partners would do well to appreciate this and not allow stigma to make our dating decisions for us.
Since 2018, Sara Veltkamp’s communications firm Minerva Strategies has partnered with The Stability Network. Sara has learned from and been inspired by this network from day one and wants to help them break down all forms of mental health stigma in any way that she can.