Disability + Drugs = Dual Diagnosis

Academic Stress and Partying to Excess at a World-Renowned University

BY JASON PARK

Act I – The Chicken, or the Egg?

I was an Ivy League college sophomore, and my younger brother Jer was one year behind. The academic course load went from zero to sixty in seconds flat as soon as I stepped on campus, and on through to senior year—the pre-Socratics, Plato, Aristotle, Stoicism, Descartes, Kant, Hegel, Marx and Nietzsche…With these thinkers, it was almost inevitable that behavioral problems would emerge! It was during this stressful time that I started to notice two symptoms of bipolar disorder—hyper-high manias and deep, dark depressions. While it was under my control to appear relaxed and diffident, it was not all that simple or easy to do that.
Which is when the other half of the equation fell. To feel better, I also started taking various powders. It basically felt as if I were punching a hole in my nose and throat. When I was feeling manic, one substance helped “take the edge” off the high. And when I was in the doldrums, another would boost me way into the stars. And the other powders had certain purposes that allowed me to regulate my moods, almost with medical precision…or so I thought.

It was as if my mental illness and drug addiction were mutually reinforcing. Self-medication, defined as the self-administration of a substance to treat an ailment, explained my conduct perfectly. In other words, as my mood swings became more serious, I took more drugs to smooth them out. But as I offered more drugs to my body, the mood swings became more serious.

And then, with the mood swings on high, folks would ask, “Jay, are you on drugs?” And while I was on drugs, those same people would ask, “Jay, are you mentally ill?” And how could you blame them for confusing the two in asking? I was by now hooked and impaired, physically and mentally. Even I could not make any sense of the chaos inside my head.

Act II – The Fight of My Life

Co-occurring disorder, once known as dual diagnosis, was so easy to slip into, but so very hard to get out of! I started to think of my competing conditions as a boxing match – and I was losing.

I was knocked down, floored, unable to get up. But aid came, thankfully, from Jer—who had always been in my corner. He yelled from there: “Get up, Jay! Get up now!” His entreaty rang in my ears, clanging, like a—well, like a bell. Saved by the bell.  

Jer helped me to my corner, where I slumped down on the stool and he threw a bucketful of melting ice cubes and glacier-chilled water on my face. Shivering in the sixty seconds between rounds, I heard Jer coach, “OK, Jay, look! I want you to adjust your strategy: (1) Ditch the partying first, then (2) Get serious with school, second. Right jab-left cross. One-two punch! You got it?!” I nodded, even though I didn’t even know where I was. “Yeah, I got it.” “Alright, now get out there!”

The bell clanging to start the next round, I stood up and, with beleaguered terror in my eyes, I challenged that two-headed hydra of mental illness and addiction.

Act III – Rushing to Recovery

First thing was first: I refused to go out anymore. Withdrawal was lousy, and quitting seemed impossible. But knowing how much was at stake, and appreciating my younger brother’s sage wisdom, I preferred the clear-headed advice he afforded me to the mental fog I had been in. And then secondly, I got serious with school. Indeed, after formal permission from the philosophy department, I began drafting a senior thesis in order to graduate with honors.

My thesis title was, “Kant and Nietzsche on Virtue and the Passions: Thoughts on Their Conceptions of Freedom.” Diving into this subject taught me that I needed to follow virtue’s dictates – work hard and focus on school – and govern my passions, which for me was more about learning where I was at risk of losing control and making sure to carefully manage my mental health. I also learned that in order to be free, both of these challenges were equally important, despite the difficulty.

So it was that “The Ivory Tower” and the “School of Hard Knocks” remind me that both will continue to sharpen my sense of judgment and insight. I have deep gratitude for my younger brother Jer for being on my side even when I wasn’t, especially at the most critical juncture in my college career. The books I read in support of my education those twenty years or so ago are still with me today. And the sheepskin hanging from my living room wall constantly reminds me that a college education is the most precious investment in myself that I can think of.

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Dr. Jason Park earned his BA with honors in philosophy from Harvard University and his PhD in strategic management from the University of Pittsburgh. He was a professor in Hong Kong first before returning to the U.S. to teach at the University of Southern California. He is now a writer based in Los Angeles. His memoir, “Bliss + Blues = Bipolar,” which details his twenty-year old recovery from bipolar disorder, is available at amazon.com in print and in Kindle. In his free time, he volunteers for The Stability Network, the Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance, and the National Alliance on Mental Illness.