Public Defender, Queens Defenders, New York City
Living with anxiety and depression
The anxiety that Mary Beth experienced in her childhood increased in her adult years. She “soldiered” through until 2005 when she slid into a major depression. It wasn’t until 2013 that she finally got the combination of medications she needed. Today, she is thriving. She has meaningful work, loves to travel, and has better relationships with her children and immediate family – which she calls her “greatest success.”
Mary Beth’s Story
What were your most difficult times?
Two come to mind. The first, after I attempted suicide in college. The second was years later when one of my clients died by suicide. I was crying all the time and unable to sleep. I began taking over-the-counter sleep medication. I added a glass of wine – then a second, then a third. My daughter, who was in high school, told me: “Mom, I know you are sad about your client, but I am worrying you are drinking too much wine.”
What helped you get well and move to stability?
After struggling to get my anxiety under control through diet, exercise, mindfulness-based meditation, yoga, and talk therapy, I finally decided I needed to try medication. The first psychiatrist I saw didn’t listen to me and prescribed the wrong drugs. Happily, I found a very thoughtful psychiatrist who was able to find the right combination of medications that worked for me. In June 2020, I added Transcendental Meditation to my life. This mantra-based form of meditation was a blessing for me, as my anxiety brain doesn’t spin out of control the way it tended to with other forms of meditation. By the end of 2020, I was able to discontinue psychiatric medications; however, I would not hesitate to take medication again if my health deteriorated and medication was indicated.
How do you manage your condition and stay healthy?
I have eliminated most refined foods from my diet as a result of working with an Asian medicine specialist to learn foods that were good for my various medical conditions. I find swimming and walking therapeutic. I love to sing, and karaoke and church choir are part of my life. I also do a fair amount of “self-talk” – telling myself that I deserve to be happy and healthy; that I am smart and have expertise in my professional life. (It took five years of my wonderful therapist making me practice that last part to really believe it!) I returned to public defense practice in September 2022, and I recently downsized to a studio apartment, which is just the right size for my life and good for the environment as well.
What words of encouragement would you give to someone struggling with a condition similar to yours?
Mental health conditions are physical health conditions. Seek out treatment. It is not a failure if you cannot achieve optimum recovery on your own. Don’t be afraid to try different doctors, therapists, and treatments. What works for one person may or may not work for you.
If you could go back and do something over, what would it be?
I would try medication much earlier. I would tell those people who labeled me “crazy” that “crazy” is not getting help when you have a health condition.