BY KYLE ELLIOTT
This year marks the fourth Valentine’s Day I will be spending with my partner, J.V. As I reflect on our relationship, I deeply appreciate the positive impact J.V. has had on my mental health, coaching business, and life. I also recognize the positive impact our self-care rituals have played in my mental health journey.
Below are five relationship rituals I introduced to protect my mental health and well-being.
1. No Work Saturdays
Early in our relationship, J.V. and I began one of my favorite self-care rituals, No Work Saturdays. Every Saturday, We escape work and protect our mental health by going to Disneyland (we are proud Disneyland Magic Key Holders), taking a hot air balloon ride, or heading out of town for a similar adventure. As a recovering careeraholic and perfectionist, this time together away from work has been critical in supporting my mental health. Importantly, I ensure our No Work Saturdays are planned by the end of each weekend, so we have something to look forward to throughout the workweek.
2. Morning Coffee Runs
Another one of my favorite self-care rituals is morning coffee runs. J.V. and I go to Starbucks on weekdays and find new, local coffee shops throughout Santa Barbara, Summerland, and Montecito on the weekends. Although this simple act takes fewer than 20 minutes each morning, it is a powerful opportunity to start our day together on a positive note over a mutual love — coffee. Moreover, we take time to review our days’ schedules, plan for lunch and dinner, and check in on our relationship.
3. Daily Recaps
I need regular reflection time for my mental health. Subsequently, J.V. and I ask each other the following four questions every night (you will notice we modified the popular Rose, Thorn, and Bud to include a Seed — a manifestation for the future):
- Rose: What was the high point of your day?
- Thorn: What was the low point of your day?
- Bud: What are you looking forward to?
- Seed: What do you want to manifest for the future?
This conversation is a low-commitment, high-impact opportunity for us to check in on each other daily. This is also an important opportunity for my anxiety (Mr. Peanut) to share how he is feeling.
4. Weekly Relationship Check-Ins
Beyond our daily recaps, J.V. and I also conduct a weekly relationship check-in, which we began just a few months in our relationship based on the recommendations of my therapist, Stephanie. Each week, we share the following five items (courtesy of Stephanie):
- Something I appreciate about you is…
- Something that upset me this week is…
- Something that feels scary or uncomfortable to tell you is…
- Something I want to thank you for is…
- How I showed you my love this week is…
Over the years, J.V. and I learned we have extremely different communication styles. These powerful weekly relationship check-ins provide a meeting point to discuss how we are feeling as well as share how we can better support, love, and care for one another.
5. Assertive Communication
Finally, none of the aforementioned relationship rituals would be as impactful without assertive communication. Learning and practicing assertive communication has been invaluable to not only our relationship but also for my mental health. I strive to regularly practice assertive communication using the following phrase (also courtesy of Stephanie): “I feel _____ when/about _____ and I’d like _____.”
Here are a few examples of assertive communication in action in our relationship:
- I feel special when you surprise me with Starbucks and I’d like you to continue to do this.
- I feel anxious right now and I’d like your help in talking to Mr. Peanut.
- I feel mentally drained when I get home from work and I’d like 30 minutes of quiet time before we talk about our days. (Thank you, J.V., for this great self-care idea!)
While assertive communication is a continual work in progress, it enables us to authentically reflect on and share our true feelings. Assertive communication also allows us the opportunity to move beyond our feelings about a situation and state the specific action we would like to see the other partner take, which has been helpful in quieting Mr. Peanut.
Kyle Elliott is the founder and career coach behind CaffeinatedKyle.com. His goal is simple – to help people find jobs they LOVE (or at least tolerate). As a queer person, male sexual assault survivor, and someone living with mental health conditions, Kyle is proud to get to use his voice and platform to help others share their stories, get help, and achieve recovery. He is an official member of the invitation-only Forbes Coaches Council, a member of the Gay Coaches Alliance, and a Certified Health Education Specialist (CHES). You can connect with Kyle at CaffeinatedKyle.com or on Instagram @CaffeinatedKyle.